“And above all these things put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” (Colossians 3:14 ESV)
A friend of mine, referring to himself and his wife, said, “I know we won’t be married in heaven, but I think I’ll ask God if I can just stand by her awhile.” He wasn’t struggling with Matthew 22:30 and similar passages (“For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage”); he was simply proclaiming his love for his wife.
Ah, love—one of the obvious aspects of marriage. The ancient Greeks identified eight types of love, including eros (romantic, intimate love), phileo (love between friends), and storge (acceptance and comfort of family). While these three types of love are typically found in marriage, there is a higher love: agape (uh-GAH-pay).
God says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.” (Ephesians 5:25) Christ’s love for the church was agape love—a love that sacrifices and serves. It’s unselfish.
Author Ed Wheat, in his book Love Life for Every Married Couple, presents a checklist to help his readers determine if they love with a conditional or an unconditional love. Here are several points from his checklist:
- Do I think that love should be shown only as a reward for good behavior?
- Do I feel that my spouse has to change before I can love him or her more?
- Do I think that I can improve my spouse’s behavior by withholding love?
If these questions are answered with a “yes,” the love is conditional. Conditional love requires that certain conditions be met before the love can flow—this is not agape love. Agape love is an unconditional love.
Husband and wife should love each other freely, without any thought as to how, or if, that love will be reciprocated.
The other day I asked my wife, “Why do so many people treat strangers better than they treat their spouse?”
She paused, then said, “Because a stranger could be an angel, but you know your spouse is no angel.” We laughed, but consider the last part, which amounts to this: every married person has a sinner for a spouse—and our sinful nature is a saboteur of relationships.
When God told husbands to love their wives, He also alerted husbands to guard against their sinful flesh, commanding, “and do not be harsh with them [wives].” (Colossians 3:19 ESV) Likewise, “let the wife see that she respects her husband.” (Ephesians 5:33) Harshness and lack of respect aren’t the only problems our sinful flesh can generate in a marriage. Our sinful nature is proud and selfish. It champions its own perceptions while ignoring a spouse’s perspective. It causes a husband and wife to blame and battle each other, instead of working together to fix a problem. Our sinful flesh doesn’t listen well, doesn’t apologize easily, can hold a grudge, can be rude, deceptive, and sometimes doesn’t even care. For these shortcomings, we ask God and our spouse for forgiveness.
Motivated by agape love, we can prevent problems:
“And above all things have fervent love for one another, for ‘love will cover a multitude of sins.'” (1 Peter 4:8)
Motivated by agape love, we can remedy problems:
“And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)
Take to heart this section from Colossians, which, like the passages above, is not exclusively for married people, but for everyone:
“Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection.” (Colossians 3:12-14)
May God bless your marriage with the bond of perfection—unselfish love for each other. Amen.
is a retired teacher. He lives in Kasota, Minnesota.